After seeing the new Sinbad stand-up special “Where U Been?” on Comedy Central last week with his bit on the battle of the sexes over the toilet seat dilemma faced by heterosexual couples, here is my brief treatise in support of seat up.

I agree with Sinbad: if the female in the relationship doesn’t check before sitting it’s her fault what happens, and she should be thankful the man put the seat up, which ensures no splatter on the seat.

Every women I’ve dated enough times to have her spend time in my domicile complained that my practice of leaving the toilet seat up in my home when she is visiting is inconsiderate, an argument with which I vehemently disagree. I am not a heartless, uncaring bastard. At least, not because I leave the toilet seat up. It is a matter of work efficiency, as proven by researcher Anand Venkataraman of SRI International, a renowned nonprofit research institute. His calculations, in fact, demonstrate a household of 1,000 females to one (1) male is required to equalize the work involved when the seat is simply left where it was when the last user finished h/er business versus putting it down every time. So in a one-to-one relationship how exactly does that make the man the selfish participant? Rather, I call it misandry.

I realize my attitude may explain why I never converted a dating relationship into a longer-term commitment.

In my defense, however, I began proposing a compromise several years back that is a much more sanitary and functional practice than either scenario. Close the lid when finished. That levels the playing field for both sexes, fully utilizes the design of the toilet seat for a flush toilet, improves the visual aesthetic of the toilet and the bathroom, prevents accidentally dropping items into the toilet, prevents pets from drinking from the toilet, and most importantly, prevents the spray of droplets from the toilet contents upon flushing.

None of my potentially significant others has ever accepted that compromise, yet I hear misogynist bandied as an accusation 10 million times to zero (0) versus misandrist.